I know someday I’ll regret the time I’m wasting now, as much as I now regret the time I wasted then.
xxx.
Past
You trail me like a smoke ballon. Unless I am dashing forward you move in to crown me in unpleasant memories, blocking my sight and my way forward.
I wonder if I will ever clear you away. I wave my arms wildly around my head, my hands pass through you. I wonder if escaping the past is always this much work.
xxx.
Two Rides//
A laugh of surprise escapes me as I begin to pedal up the hill. I am somewhere between a grimace and a grin, forcing my legs to push me towards the top. I have forgotten how difficult riding a bike can be. My knees moan and my thighs screech, but it is worth the ache to enjoy the thrill of an uncommonly bright spring day. I have reached the crest of the hill and my gritted teeth relax into a cry of triumph. I stand on my pedals and glide effortlessly down the side of the hill, wicker basket rattling on my handlebars. Freedom! Warm air fills my lungs and pulls my hair from my face.
//
I stifle a sob and blink back the tears blurring my vision. The street lamps lining the road seem to be melting, shooting stars leaving earth, heaven bound. An appropriately melancholy song crackles from the radio, crooning through the darkness. I reach my street and turn into my driveway, relieved. I immediately pull to a stop and silence my engine, granting the stereo a few extra moments of life. I slouch forward my head resting on the steering wheel, hands hanging between my knees. I close my eyes and realize that my momentary frustration is unnecessary and unwarranted. Come on, it’s fine. I sit back against the seat and sigh loudly, twisting the key. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and heave the groceries off of the passenger’s seat.
xxx.
The Pass
I threw the door open, allowing the snow swirling past our car to plunge into it, slapping my face and sticking to the car seat. I steadied myself against the dashboard and climbed slowly out into the darkness. My feet darted away from me, sliding on the icy asphalt. My legs wobbled under me like a newborn foal, awkward and unstable. I braced myself against the top of the car and began to make my way slowly toward the trunk. I laughed wildly at the absurdity of the situation as the wind rushed past me, blowing enormous drifts against the pine trees that surrounded me. Snow-covered cars trailed behind us through the black forest in a seemingly endless chain of light. I could see their windshield wipers swiping fruitlessly at the oncoming snow, their headlights glaring resolutely through the storm, ready to move forward towards the valley. The mountain was screaming at us to turn back, bellowing that our chain-wrapped tires were no match for it’s storm. My hair twisted wildly around my head, obscuring my vision. I pushed it away and went to work clearing snow from our rear window with an old shoe. My right foot slipped suddenly forward and I fell against the car, clinging to the trunk with one arm to avoid slipping beneath the car. I pulled myself up, heart pounding. Finishing my work I turned to peer through the misty darkness at our modern-day wagon train. Through the swirling blustery darkness I could see a few men roaming between cars, clearing away windows or checking tires, heads tucked into hoods. I turned away from our followers and looked forward at the floating red tail lights ahead of me. I pushed off of the car and slid forward, down the incline of the mountain to catch the passenger side door and fling myself inside.
xxx.
Home//
Home is my dog on the end of my bed, snoring.
Home is the familiar way light is cast against my picture frames.
Home is the sound of my parents’ bathroom drawer opening, through the wall.
Home is the ability to drink from the tap.
xxx.
Diablo
Spindly black trees, covered in moss, pierced the fog as our car climbed. We had entered the thick layer of clouds that blanketed Mount Diablo’s summit. The road, the valley, the beautifully haunting trees- all were swallowed by the misty gray.
xxx.
First Migraine//
I could feel my heart pounding, my cheeks salty and soaked with tears. I tried to lift myself with my elbows. I gave up, sinking back against the arm of the couch. My head screamed as another wave of pain crashed against the insides of my skull, against the back of my eyes.
I’m going to go blind.
I was sure of it. I lifted my hand to my eyes and squinted it at it through the semi-darkness, studying my slender fingers through streaming eyes.
Please, please- I don’t want to go blind. Let me sleep, let me faint so I don’t have to do this.
I bit into my blanket, and clutched it tight against my chest. My knees were shaking and my hands felt barely strong enough to cling to the fleece. I could feel a thin layer of sweat chilling my entire body and my shoulders shivered violently. I couldn’t gather the strength to slide into my sleeping bag.
My ears are bleeding, why are my ears bleeding? What’s happening?
I reached a shaking hand to my ear and realized I was imagining the blood. I was sure it should have been snaking its way down my neck from shattered eardrums. I slid my hand from my ear to cover aching eyes.
I wish I’d turned that lamp off.
My chest heaved with labored breath, I was gasping through an open mouth as if I’d barely avoided drowning, breaking the water’s surface to fill pleading lungs. I could feel my pulse drumming at my throat, could hear it rushing in my ears. Vomit threatened to escape me.
“Kim,” I called. I heard the clatter from the other room, something dropped onto a keyboard in surprise.
“What’s up?” She asked. I couldn’t see her, my hand was still shielding my eyes from the blinding glare of the floor lamp, but I could tell she had entered the living room and was looking down at me laying ridged across the couch, my sleeping bag tangled with the contents of my suitcase on the floor.
“Can you wake up Grandpa? I need to go to the hospital. I can’t breathe.” My voice broke as I began to sob again.
xxx.
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